Hello? Anybody Out There?

Jean-Pierre Subrenat

I just woke up…I have a gigantic headache and there are many empty bottles of wine around me! I don't quite remember where I am...or which day or what time it is…my watch has stopped (must be the battery) and it's dark!
Wait. I remember. I am in my survival bunker…and my generator broke down…where is the aspirin? Excuse me, let me try to recollect my thoughts, and I will be right back with you!

That's it, I remember, I am writing to you from the bottom of my bunker where I entered last December 29th, 1999. I don't know if this message will ever reach anyone, as I have been cut from all civilization for a while, so I can only hope.

You see, with all this fuss about the new millennium, the Y2K bug, and the return of the messiah, I finally got scared and took the decision to protect myself! As we say, better safe than sorry! So, I spent most of the month of December digging this bunker and packing survival necessities for a few months underground, or at least, until the situation above ground returned to safety.

The digging part was not really that much fun, especially since I was only digging at night and could not see much. The main reason is that I didn't want my neighbors to find my bunker and move in with me, so it took some ingenuity on my part. But I succeeded, since they are not here (I never liked my neighbors anyway!). In fact, I am alone. Not even my wife is with me! But we'll come back to this sore subject later!

After digging for twenty-eight very long and cold nights, and deep enough for two quite uncomfortable rooms (with efficiencies! - do you have any idea what a port-o-potty costs these days?), I went shopping for necessities: Wine, water, generator, more wine, some blankets, an inflatable mattress, all kind of batteries, rice, pasta, flour, foie gras, one bottle of Sauternes (don't forget that I spent New Year's Eve by myself in here!), frozen burritos, some more wine, numerous pâtés from d'Artagnan (how can you survive without them!). I also brought along some work, as I knew I would have ample time in front of me. I thought that it would be a good occasion to catch up and smell all the perfumes launched in 1999, and so I packed all 598 of them with me.

On December 28th, the bunker freezer was full, the wine was cool, the food tucked away, and I was ready for the coming apocalypse. I told my wife that I was convinced that we had taken the right decision, and that we would be quite cozy and safe down there while the rest of humanity would be blasted into smithereens in the blink of an eye, just seconds after midnight, January 1st 2000.

It is then that she announced to me that instead of joining forces with me in the bunker, like Eva Braun, she had decided to go and visit her sister for the holidays. And, as I was planning to play earthworm for a while, she would also go on a vacation in Hawaii! You see, all along, I wasn't sure that she had changed her mind, as I did, about the destruction of the planet. When we talked about the fact that perhaps people were right and we were wrong, that the sun would turn black and the moon into cheese in the year 2000, she remained quite evasive, non-committal and did everything not to contradict me! As if I had lost it? Of course, I realized that she was looking at me a bit strangely during the last few weeks, but I thought that it was just her love for me and admiration for my determination to survive! But, only on December 28th, the day before the descent, did I grasp that she was out of her mind! She didn't believe me, and there was nothing I could do to convince her. To her sister's she would go, and if all goes well, we would see each other in a few weeks.

So, although quite saddened by the turn of events, I went down to my underground palace the next morning.
The first 2 days were quite great. I slept a lot, I ate like a pig, and I even ate the foie gras before New Year's Eve, just in case there would be no New Year's Eve! Drunk quite a bit too! Then, the generator broke down, early afternoon on December 31st. I spent a few hours trying to fix it, without success. There I was, no light, no computer, no more radio or communication with the outside world, and it was not yet 2000. What a bummer! (and forget about the cellular phone; it doesn't even work above ground!) But I decided to stay safe in that hole (just in case) and find a way to fix the *$%@#^ generator. That evening, I drank more than usual. First, because of the New Year; second, because the generator let me down and I was annoyed; third, because I was lonely; and fourth, because when you are already drinking for three other reasons, you don't need a fourth one to be drunk, and therefore, you drink some more! It looks that this behavior became a pattern because as I said at the beginning, I just woke up and I have quite a beard growing.
How long has it been? I have no clue. Now that I see more clearly (and that I can't find any more wine to drink!) I'll try to fix the generator. The candles give a real touch of authenticity but I could do with some real electricity. Let's see, if I change the spark plugs it should work. Ah! What a great noise! The generator is running! But it's the only thing working; the radio doesn't work (must be the batteries, next time I won't save and will buy Energizer). Another bummer in my life as Rambo the survivor! I still don't know anything about the situation above ground, neither which day it is.

Well, I am going to try to send this message. I think that I can make a temporary modem line for my computer, and try to email this message to Perfume 2000. I wonder if there's anybody there? But I'm not crazy and won't go check yet!

If someone gets this message, and the situation is clear, could you please come and get me?

In the meanwhile, I will smell all these perfumes and hope that I won't be forced to drink them later!

Two more days have passed, I have another 356 perfumes to smell, I am nauseated, and I need fresh air!! Hello? Anybody up there?

Wait. I hear stumping above my head…. Yes, I see light as if someone was trying to open the roof door of this rat hole…I see a face…It's my wife…. Oh my God, she has been irradiated, her face is all brown…. Oh! Poor thing…you should have come down with me, it was safer.

What? You are telling me that it's March 2000 and you have not been irradiated but you are sporting your Hawaiian suntan? What do you mean I look like a bum and smell like one too! Fine, I'll come up if you promise that it's safe! Oh! No dear, I cannot repeat what you just told me without being censured!

P.S. By the way, the first 242 perfumes that I examined all smelled alike! I'll report on the others the next time!