Read This Article...Or the Terrorists Will Win!

Keep your sense of humor, it’s yours and nobody can take it away from you, no matter what!
After any horrible experience or tragedy, the human mind goes into a self-defense mode and eventually begins to find some humor in the situation. If this weren’t true, how would you explain the hundreds of Taliban and Bin Laden jokes that have been flying into your personal email over the past three months? Laughter has been known to cure many diseases, as Norman Cousins has shown, and helps us to cope with the worst situations. So, it is with this in mind that I review this past year.
It’s a fact that had this year’s review been written on September 10th, it would have obviously taken a very different turn. Now, I have to write a “before and after” review. Somehow, looking into the past seems to be an easy task all the way up until September 11th, but my memory is a bit foggy when searching for prominent events prior to that! I had to struggle for a little while to realize that it was only on January 20, 2001, that the Texas cowboys invaded Washington D.C. and the White House. What a change for the nation, and for Mr. Bush as well! As a matter of fact, he did not like the East Coast any more than the East Coast liked him (at least for the first few months, as his popularity drastically improved after September 11th). He got out of town on a regular basis, as quickly as he could find excuses. Who, today, can still remember the president’s month-long vacation in August at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, which has been renamed, by the way, the “West Coast White House.” His administration called it a “working vacation,” which for me is a funny euphemism and a complete oxymoron: either you work or you don’t! Let’s hope that, in the very near future, this president will give to the rest of us what seems to be so good for him…four weeks of paid vacation.
While Mr. Bush was slowly settling into D.C., an incredible phenomenon took place in New York City that will change the life of its taxpayers forever. An inconceivable event that no sane mind could predict, something that no one foresaw, not even the sharpest minds, and that left everybody in a state of total shock.
I am speaking, of course, of former President Bill Clinton’s move to Harlem!
Who would have thought?...William Jefferson Clinton in Harlem...playing shuffleboard and saxophone with his neighbor the Rev. Al Sharpton. Having lunches with his pals P. Diddy and Ice Cube (or Ice T, depending on the weather) at Sylvia’s, the best soul food restaurant in New York City. As Clinton himself put it during a much-anticipated press conference announcing his choice for offices: “I feel like I’m among my people.” What’s wrong with that picture? Did I fall asleep and go blind? Michael Jackson himself cannot say that, much less should Bill Clinton proclaim it! By the way, did Mr. Clinton choose a rapper’s name yet? I would be more than happy to oblige if he needs my help, I might have a suggestion or two.
Speaking of Michael Jackson, here is somebody who makes each year’s review. Good or bad, he is in the news. This year saw the launch of his latest album, and also the launch of his newest face. Did you see his special on TV with his brothers? What was he thinking? Is he trying to make me think that he was adopted? Or that he lost his nose in a poker game? Is he messing with my mind? I am sorry Mr. Jackson, but the talented man you once were has become a circus attraction!
Thanks to the Chinese calendar, we learned that 2001 was the Year of the Snake...and that explains why we saw so many of them along the road during the past twelve months.
Let’s start with all the rattlers from the “dot.com” companies, who took your hard earned money, (invested in a very prosperous Nasdaq before the end of the famous Millennium) bought big houses, big cars and fast women and suddenly became “dot.gone”! How many fat snakes were getting suntanned on Caribbean beaches while Mr. Greenspan kept on cutting the interest rate in order to jump-start our ailing economy? Most of these snakes are now long gone, some retired at ages that used to be called late teenage, an age that used to be the start of a business career, NOT one of retirement.
And how about the rampant snakes controlling energy companies around our country, but mainly those from Mr. Bush’s state? What’s going on with them? First, California residents suffered all summer long from rolling blackouts because the demand on electricity was apparently too high! Would you think that the fact that Californians use millions of watts of electricity to run their air conditioning and other appliances at least 11 out of 12 months per year, every single year since the invention of electricity, would have been enough of a hint for the management of a freshly deregulated energy company? Well, I have news for you: it was not enough warning! Totally caught by surprise (!) these snakes suddenly told everybody: “Sorry, we have no more juice...and if we find some, it will cost you a lot more.” So, horrified by this news, the disciplined California eco-conscious consumers preserved energy for months; they sweated profusely during heat waves; drunk warm (bottled) water and avoided suntan parlors by rediscovering the sun and the beaches to maintain their famous, coveted golden tans!
Now, to add insult to injury, I have just heard that the same poor suckers will apparently be financially penalized because “They did not use enough electricity.” As surplus energy cannot be stored forever, the suppliers were forced to sell it at a loss, and now want to be compensated! I wish I was dreaming, but I am not, and neither are you.
These problems, combined with California’s imminent plunge into the Pacific Ocean because the “Big One is coming,” (the famous earthquake that will make Phoenix, Arizona a city by the beach) should be reason enough to move to Canada…where most of the surplus energy comes from to begin with!
One former resident from la-la land is like Michael Jackson; he makes the year’s review no matter what! I am talking of good old O.J. Simpson. Although he now lives in Florida, home of Tropicana (where else would you live when your nickname is “The Juice?”), his name and his face are, no matter what, still in the news. This year’s claim to fame for O.J. involved no knife, no former wife, no “alleged” violence of any kind but simply a dumb, very stupid charge of “stealing satellite TV signals!” Hey O.J.? What’s wrong with you? “Official” satellite TV costs around $50 a month, and this equals the price of roughly 9 good golf balls. At the rate you play golf (everyday), and the reported state of your game (poor), you must lose about 18 of these precious golf balls in the water hazards of Florida. So please, do the math, stay home one day per month, and you will save enough money to pay for one month of satellite TV, plus enough to tip the man who will legally install the equipment! Shifting from the sport pages to the crime pages, this character has become a major source of material for all English-speaking comedians. What’s next for him in the news? “O.J. goes to jail for stealing candies from little kids at school bus stop?” I can’t wait for next year!
After the shameful but very comical fiasco of the elections of 2000, the same state of Florida made the news this year again for their bizarre new way of feeding sharks: with surfers! Granted, it’s not always funny, but it’s original! Please don’t think that I am just cruel and don’t care about the surfers, but when one or two accidentally got bit by a couple of hungry sharks, you would think that the other surfers would get the message. No sir! Instead, more went into the waters, because, “We had to catch the waves, Dude!” And you know what happened, (surprise!) more got bit, because the sharks are not as stupid as the surfers. The first sharks who got a taste of the juicy surfers sent a few emails to far away sharks to invite them for a free buffet on the beaches of Florida, and to disregard the wooden planks and just go for the human flesh. And of course, more sharks arrived, and had a ball with the surfers, who refused to leave the water! You cannot make this stuff up. It had to happen! To the enjoyment of cynical people like late night show hosts and yours truly.
Speaking of material for comedians, I have to confess that without show business, we would really be in trouble! Is it my fault if Sean P. Diddy Combs was once again all over the papers? This time not for allegedly shooting at someone, but for...hiring a British butler. Wow, this is really the image a mean rapper wants to portray to his fans! Can you hear his new song: “Hey, my name is P. Diddy/And I ain’t no sissy/Don’t talk about my sister/ Or my Butler’s gonna dis you/ And if you think my Butler ain’t scary/Wait until you see my mommy!”
Do you also need me to speak about Britney Spears...or have you had enough already? Let’s make a deal: I will group a few people who made the news this past year - like this we’ll get rid of them quicker. If not, we’ll be here until April: Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera/Mariah Carey/InSync/Backstreet Boys/Ricky Martin/Lil’Kim/Marc Anthony/Pamela Anderson/Kid Rock/Sisquo/Sylvester Stallone/Rosie/Regis Philbin/Howard Stern/Martha Stewart/Jerry Springer/the entire cast of Survivor; Big Brother, and all the other “reality” shows and, last but never least: Kathy Lee Gifford. Please people, go away, take a long break and give us some rest in 2002.
After September 11th, how can we review the year’s events without talking about the TV coverage and the reporters? It has become extremely difficult to make a distinction between real news reports and entertainment. If you don’t pay close attention, you won’t know if you are watching the news on CNN or MSNBC or Access Hollywood or Extra! On some networks, like FOX News, it’s “All the war...All the time;” it used to be “All Gary Condit…All the time;” preceded by “All Monica and Bill…All the time;” and of course “All O.J. Simpson…All the time.”
The others are not much better, they all use big titles and dramatic musical effects to catch our attention and complement that with dizzying tickers scrolling completely unrelated news at the bottom. Even though the situation is quite grave, I believe that we should forbid the use of the now infamous two words: “Breaking News,” because they have been used and abused by all of them. I used to jump from my chair each time I heard the loud histrionic music and saw the “Breaking News” title across the TV screen, my heart beating at an unreasonable rate. But after several major disenchantments, I stopped jumping, because breaking news, it was not. It was merely the same info rehashed and served to us again, and not even on a different platter! How many times can they cry wolf?
I hope that the situation is going to return soon to a certain normalcy, because in the last couple of weeks, although I have not told anyone yet, I started confusing Tom Brokaw with Montel Williams!
At the very least, the last few months made us discover a few new talents within the herd of reporters and, if the talent in question is not always directly involved with the reporting function, it certainly is hilarious! Some of these people were really given the occasion to shine.
The list is certainly too long for me to reveal here but who can forget the many faces of Ashleigh Banfield, a pretty blond woman from MSNBC, covered with dust and debris, and roaming the streets of Manhattan on September 11th and 12th, for hours and hours, inconveniencing most of the people who were running away from downtown New York by shoving her microphone in their face. Weren’t you surprised when she reappeared a few days later in Pakistan, her hair cropped almost to a U.S. Marine crew-cut and dyed midnight black, sporting a different local costume daily, looking much more folkloric than the natives? Her network explained that she “wanted to blend in better!” The only way to blend in over there is to wear a full Burqua, the Taliban’s favorite (and only) garment for Muslim women, but that is a real unfortunate choice of dress when you want your face to be recognized by millions of people back home. The other choice is to grow a beard, and there, Ashleigh, I am afraid that you are going to have a problem!
But Ashleigh is nothing compared to the constant melodrama surrounding infamous Geraldo Rivera! What’s going on with this creature? Not happy getting his nose broken by skinheads…live on TV (who needs the World Wresting Federation, when you can have Geraldo?), not happy making a spectacle of himself almost each time he appears on the screen, he suddenly had the urge to go to Afghanistan! And, hopefully you realized like I did, he waited until almost the end! An idiotic act perhaps, but cowardly, unquestionably! (Ashleigh was there way before him!!). What a sight! Geraldo is the cherry on the Fox News cake! It was “All the war…All the time” and now, it’s “All the war…All the time, and on top of it...we have Geraldo.” The other day, in a reckless moment, I caught myself watching Fox News, and there he was: his mustache flying into the wind of the surrounding desert of Kabul, a Yasser Arafat-type scarf around his neck, not quite closely shaved , his pink Sgt. Peppers-style sunglasses on the above mentioned broken nose, in essence the whole kit and caboodle! An anchorman, securely nested in the warmth of a New York studio, was asking Geraldo why he was carrying a gun. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you read correctly…a gun! What is he doing with a gun? Isn’t he dangerous enough with a microphone and mustache already? Who is he planning to shoot? Other reporters? Watch out Ashleigh! Geraldo, in your interest but mainly in the interest of world peace, I have only one suggestion: Please take a hike and don’t come back! The rest of the world is watching and not only is it embarrassing for all of us, but you and your gun make me very nervous!
Fortunately, the world is not made only of weasels, snakes or plain funny people and this year, once again, some very good people made the news.
First, it was very reassuring to read that many, many more people went to see the (wonderful) movie “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” than (the very lame) “Pearl Harbor.” Even “Shrek” (another great movie) did better than “Pearl Harbor,” and this warmed my heart because, perhaps, there is hope for humanity, and not everybody is totally lost!
Secondly, one cannot write this review without talking about the former Mayor of New York City, Mr. Rudy Giuliani. His tireless efforts, his great management of a city in chaos, and his altogether incredible example to others, since the tragic events of September, made this man bigger than life. The entire world is praising him, starting with the Queen of England who made him an Honorary Knight. Everybody wants a piece of the man who now symbolizes New York, the man whose approval rating is higher than President Bush, a man nobody dares to say anything against under penalty of treason, although....What happened to the people who were vilifying him a few months ago for changing New York too much, for homogenizing 42nd street, closing the sex district and turning Gotham city into Disneyland city? Where are all the people who lost their voice, screaming at the Mayor, because he condemned the so-called artist who used elephant dung as a prime material in a religious painting? When he threatened the museum to cut its financial support from the city when they chose to exhibit offensive pieces, the response came immediately in the form of lawyers invoking the first amendment. How come his nickname went suddenly from “Benito Giuliani” to “King of New York?” How come he went from villain of the year to Time magazine’s Man of the Year in 2002?
It is regrettably very sad that only horrific events bring us together and make us look at the positive side of people, even if we don’t always agree with them. Who, today, would dare to use the derogatory term of “Pig” when talking about a police officer? If, at the moment, you were crazy enough to try this stunt in any street of any city of the U.S., even if the cops don’t hear you, people would be so outraged that it might result in a citizen’s arrest!
May we all remember, later, this sudden love that we discovered for all these hard-working people, and, once the millions of American Flags are removed from cars, homes and golf courses, put back inside and returned as they used to, for July 4th, let’s make sure that we don’t immediately find a new nickname for Mayor Rudy Giuliani, wherever he will be!
Back here, in perfume-land, the year has not been all that exciting. As has been the case for the last several years, dozens of “me-too” fragrances have been launched and are now stagnating and collecting dust on shelves in deserted department stores around the country. Innovation is still a buzzword, but is rarely seen. I have heard that the new trend will be “transparent perfumes”, and that will be a welcome change from the “sheer perfumes” trend…or is it the contrary, I don’t quite remember well!
I know that it will not be a major surprise to you when you read that LVMH is still trying to devour everybody and everything in site. Although lately, it looks like they are starting to have a strong case of indigestion as (like the rumor says) they are getting rid of the non-profitable Sephora chain and a couple of other entities. When they are not buying companies, LVMH is still making lawyers very rich in pursuing its legal battles with PPR, and that is not news anymore either. To put a final end to their differences, I might have a suggestion for both Mr. Arnaud and Mr. Pinault: How about a duel? After all, their noble French ancestors used that method quite successfully, and I think that it is not used often enough anymore. It’s quite unequivocal: the winner takes all, and I am sure that the public would love it. I could go into a partnership with famous fight promoter Don King and of course this major event would be broadcast on pay-per-view (why not make a couple of dollars as well!). I know that a lot of competitors and disgruntled former employees of both companies would pay a lot of money to either have ringside seats or even organize parties with giant TV screens to watch the show.
I was still trying to decide upon the weapon of choice for both duelists, “swords or pump sprays,” when my wife urged me to come quickly and watch a breaking news segment on TV and she was repeating, quite hastily: “They found him, they found him!” I flew out of my office to the TV, at the risk of having a heart attack, tripping over the cat and almost breaking my nose, which would have put an end to my career, to finally see the face of… Vice President, Dick Cheney live on TV! It’s true, I had forgotten about that one! I am so glad they found him, because lately, I thought that the CIA had hidden him so well that nobody could remember where they put him!

Please no more Breaking News!

Jean-Pierre Subrenat is President and CEO of Creative Concepts Corporation and past-president of the American Society of Perfumers. For comments, email: jps@creaconcepts.com.